Cooking like a Masterchef

Cooking shows are just everywhere these days! Absolutely incredible how many shows people market about amateur cooking. Granted, I adore reality tv (Hello schadenfreude!) I just don’t understand what possesses people to put themselves out there like this. How do they get up the courage?

I mean, I cook! I cook daily, I love, love, love the flavours, the smells, I love it all – even the cleaning doesn’t bother me that much – but I cannot for the life of me remember recipes. Baking is beautiful! I like to think of it as something like the assays I do, exact and systematic, but I cannot do either without the recipe in front of me no matter how often I have tried. If someone turned to me and said “Bake bread. Make it fabulous bread or we will mock you and kick you out of our little warehouse amidst an awkward silence and in front of an international audience” I would likely just play possum. I’d flop on the floor and slow my breathing like a champ. Sheer terror would probably stop my heart, I wouldn’t even have to induce it. Eventually, the really confused judges would hopefully just wander off so I could escape, stealthily past the ovens and off into the night.

But never mind that actually – where do they find the skills??? How do these people even come up with their ideas and where do they learn how to cook like that? Do they study? Is it just because they eat out more? Do they have some sort of magical talent that means they can just sit their bums on a cook book and the contents be osmotically absorbed (ass-motically??)? I want to know. I do. If the latter is an option how can I learn to do that? My butt is read. My cheeks are primed. Why yes, hello internet, I’m talking about my butt cheeks. 

The one that really gets me is Junior Masterchef. I understand that the judges are more lenient with the children and that there may be some behind the scenes assistance that we aren’t seeing but I find that irrelevant because honestly – that 8 year old is still kicking all our asses. What are those little overachievers going to be like when they’re in their 20s? I’m intimidated already.

My favourite cooking show, and it doesn’t intimidate me by any stretch of the imagination, has to be Come Dine With Me. Who in their right mind signs up for that show? Why does that seem like a good idea? They’re normally just vile people! They thrive on mediocre cooking and blinding rudeness – and I just cannot stop watching.

What has writing this post taught me? I’m jealous of 8 year olds, I ask a lot of questions with no answers, I love watching car crash television and I would like to be able to learn through assmosis.

I’m not sure what this says about me. It’s probably not good.

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