Category: Yuck

Lost and found

So, we found a wallet at work today. Dropped under the seat in the waiting room by an elderly patient.

I suggested we open the wallet, check the driver’s id and cross-reference it to the patient list so we could ring the person.

I was accused of:

  1. Being nosy.
  2. Invading people’s privacy.
  3. Being rude.
  4. Being “young”.
  5. Being too impulsive.

Are you serious? I mean, what the heck?

What are you supposed to do?????? (Angry question marks!) Have I been breaking some major wallet etiquette all my adult life? Can you imagine losing your wallet and never finding it because some total numpty refused to open it in order to protect your “privacy”.

I CANNOT BE THE ONLY ONE. FUCK THAT NOISE GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW.

The ludicrous thing was that I was the only person in a room of 5 that thought this was odd. Then they spent 30 minutes alternating between berating me and condescending to me.

I’m shocked, shocked I tell you, that the roof did not lift clean off with the force of my eye rolls.

 

 

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30 Days of Blogging Honesty: Day 13

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Day 13 — I once got so drunk and lost control and this is what I was told I did and have no reason to doubt it…

I do drink, and have even been known to get drunk on occasion. I never forget what I do though, I’m more likely to fall asleep than drink enough to have memory loss. I have a couple of mild drinking stories but nothing major, the best one I can remember is when I wolfed down a cheeseburger someone smuggled into a bar for me.

*GROSS ALERT*

I had been drinking steadily all afternoon and well into the night without any food so they had deemed some sustenance essential. This resulted in my needing to throw everything up about 10minutes later. I wobbled off to the bathroom and was about to bring everything up when I realised the toilet seat was disgusting but my balance was terrible – who holds onto that sort of thing? There was pee everywhere! So I started making toilet paper mittens, wrapping my hands around and around with loo paper, so that I could hang onto the seat without touching anything. To this day I still think that was a brilliant idea. I used about half a roll though, the mittens were enormous!

By the time I got up the next morning after being helped home (we lived within walking distance) I was well and truly sober and feeling fine-ish (a little groggy and thirsty!) because the alcohol was all in the toilet at some random bar far, far away rather than pumping through my system.

If you’re ever in the same position I would definitely recommend poo paper mittens! Although, if you would prefer to just have dinner instead of getting blind drunk over the day without noticing that might work too.

30 Days of Blogging Honesty: Day 5

Day 05 — This is embarrassing but on average I cause the toilet to overflow about this many times a year because of deposits I made…

I haven’t been looking forward to this quesion very much, this is mortifying, but I’m going to be honest. This doesn’t happen to me, but it has on one occasion and it was the most embarrassing experience ever. Ever. I have two “most embarrassing experiences” and this one is right up there.

I was a young, impressionable (I thought) lady in a fledgling relationship with a gentleman who had no awareness of my bodily functions (Women don’t poop! Or sweat (they glooooooow)! Or fart (they’re love puffs, I swear)!).

I was forced one day (after much panicking, hand wringing and agonising) to go fetch said gentleman and admit that I had blocked his parents’ loo and flooded their bathroom.

His whole family got involved in the subsequent unblocking and cleaning. I had to stand there while his dad wrapped his hand in plastic and got right in there.

I’m going to stop there because I actually can’t talk about it anymore. I’m cringing too much.

A bag of cement

I work in a hospital and deal with post-operative cardiac patients on a regular basis. I had the pleasure (for blogfodder)/ shock/ misfortune/ horror of seeing someone readmitted today two weeks after his original surgery.

I’ll just lay out some background for you:

  1. The sternum is broken and opened for access during cardiac surgery. THIS WAS NOT A KEYHOLE OPERATION.
  2. The sternum is wired shut and the skin sewn up when they’re done.
  3. Patients are advised not to lift any more than 2 kilos for 6 weeks.
  4. They are advised not to drive because of the chance of hurting themselves and their wound for a minimum of 4 weeks.

This genius of a man came back in for a sternal rewiring because at two weeks post-op, so only about 1 week after leaving hospital, he picked up a bag of cement.ImageThe internet reliably (ha!) informs me that the weight of the cement bag was not 2kg. Maybe more like 25kg.

Poor health choices, man whose chest ripped open, poor health choices.

The ultimatum

He told me if I wasn’t ready by 6:55 this morning he would leave me behind to take the train. So I raced through everything, slammed the door behind me and was in the car starting it by 6:50, backing angrily out of the driveway while he rushed to keep up.

He said I totally would have said the same thing.

He’s right.

I ended up leaving my phone at home.

That’s what I get for being an asshole.

What.

Merely a day after mentioning that I once sat in a wet bus seat – it happens again. How is this even a thing?! People do this? Good thing it was cold this time so I noticed straight away.

I’m actually really happy the work day is over.